The Vampire Diares Whatever Show
by Vampgirl7996
Summary: Come one, come all! I may not own the characters of the Vampire Diaries, but I can still have loads of fun with them. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Vampgirl7996**: (from shadows) Welcome to the Vampire Diaries "Whatever" Show.

**Damon**: (sitting in chair) The what?

**Vampgirl7996**: The Vampire Diaries "Whatever" Show.

**Elena**: (sitting in chair next to Damon) It…sounds interesting.

**Stefan**: (sitting in chair next to Elena) It sounds lame.

Stefan crumples to the floor, screaming in agony.

**Elena**: What's going on? What's wrong with him?

**Vampgirl7996**: I'm torturing him with my mind. I'm forcing twenty tumors to go through his brain at the moment.

**Damon**: How can you do that? Who are you?

**Vampgirl7996**: I'm the creator, Vampgirl7996. I can do whatever I want. It's my world. No consequences.

**Damon**: That's hot.

**Vampgirl7996**: Why, thank you. And thank you, Elena, for not dissing my show._ Stefan!_

**Elena**: No problem!

**Stefan**: COULD YOU STOP TORTURING ME? IT BURNS MY BRAIN!

**Vampgirl7996**: FINE! If it'll get you to shut up! (Stops)

**Stefan**: Thank you. (Says while glaring and gets back into his chair)

**Vampgirl7996**: Don't expect me to do it again. Now, on with the show.

**Elena**: What exactly is the purpose of this show?

**Vampgirl7996**: Well, people come on, give suggestions, ask questions, give dares, torture people—

**All but V**: WHAT?

**Vampgirl7996**: Don't worry! If no one asks for it, none is dealt.

**Stefan**: Why are we here?

**Vampgirl7996**: Don't get snooty! Yeesh!

**Stefan**: Snooty? Seriously?

**Vampgirl7996**: Is there something wrong with 'snooty'?

**Damon**: Stefan…

**Elena**: Don't say anything you'll regret…

**Stefan**: Well, it's old. Like you probably are.

**Audience**: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!

**Elena**: Uh-oh…

**Damon**: Stefan, you hypocrite. This is going to end badly.

Vampgirl7996 steps out of shadows, dressed in camouflage cargo pants, black cargo boots, and an olive green tank top, pointing a crossbow at Stefan. Damon and Elena stare at Vampgirl7996 in shock. Stefan looks nervous.

**Vampgirl7996**: Care to repeat that?

**Stefan**: (in a high voice) No.

**Vampgirl7996**: Good!

The arrow from Vampgirl's crossbow flies across the room right into Stefan's groin.

**Stefan**: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY?

**Vampgirl7996**: Oops! My trigger finger slipped! Anyway, answering your earlier question, Stefan, the three of you are here, because you three are the main characters. I need your help to promote the show, so you're going to be here all the time. Yes, even you Stefan.

**Stefan**: (whimpers and pulls out the arrow)

**Vampgirl7996**: Now, on with the questions! (Sits in chair next to Damon)

**Elena**: What questions? This is the first chapter. There aren't any reviewers.

**Vampgirl7996**: That doesn't mean I don't have some questions of my own. However, we need more people here for that. So please, welcome…Klaus, Katherine, Caroline, Elijah, and Tyler!

Audience cheers as above enter, sitting in chairs provided.

**Vampgirl7996**: Welcome all of you. Now my first question is for Katherine. Why did you love Stefan?

**Katherine**: Well…he was sweet and kind. He made me feel special.

**Vampgirl7996**: If you love Stefan so much, why go after Damon?

**Damon**: I've been wondering that, too.

**Stefan**: As have I.

**Katherine**: Well…I guess I fell for him and his bad boy charms.

**Klaus**: Called it! Elijah, you owe me 1000$.

Elijah rolls his eyes and takes out a wad of cash, handing it to Klaus, who takes it and starts counting it.

**Vampgirl7996**: I don't even want to know. Anyhoo…

**Stefan**: Anyhoo?

**Vampgirl7996:** SILENCE!

Everyone, including audience, stares at Vampgirl in surprise.

**Vampgirl7996**: Sorry. When I get angry, excited, or frustrated, my big voice comes into play. Stefan, quit making fun of how I speak! I don't make fun of your horrible hair or your lack of fashion sense every time you walk into the room, do I? No! Now, as I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted, Katherine, we all know you've said that you only have truly loved Stefan, and that you never really loved Damon. Is this true?

**Katherine**:…

**Vampgirl7996: **Katherine?

**Katherine:**…

**Vampgirl7996**: Katherine?

**Katherine**:…

**Vampgirl7996**: Katherine?

**Katherine**: Yes?

**Vampgirl7996**: Is it true that you only really love Stefan and not Damon?

Audience leans forward in anticipation. Everyone in the room stares anxiously at Katherine, who slumps in chair.

**Katherine**: No, it's not true.

**Vampgirl7996**: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

**Stefan**: NOOOOOOOOO!

Damon just smirks in his chair with his arms crossed.

**Vampgirl7996**: Alright people, let's settle down.

Stefan is still crying.

**Vampgirl7996**: Stefan, shut up or I'll get out the javelin.

**Caroline**: Who keeps a javelin?

**Vampgirl7996**:…Moving on. So, Tyler, how would you describe your current relationship with Caroline?

**Tyler**: We're still very close. We're keeping our relationship going strong. I love her deeply.

**Vampgirl7996**: How nice…but you do know that Klaus has deep feelings for her and has been doting on her?

**Tyler**: What? Caroline?

**Caroline**: Tyler?

**Tyler**: Caroline?

**Caroline**: Tyler?

**Tyler**: Caroline?

**Caroline**: Tyler?

**Damon**: Damon!

**Elena**: Really, Damon?

**Damon**: What?  
><strong>Vampgirl7996<strong>: You just had to do that didn't you?

**Damon**: You love it, like you love me!

**Vampgirl7996**: Can't argue with that!

**Stefan**: Why do you love him? Why not me?

**Vampgirl7996**: He's awesome and hot. You're lame and scrawny. Enough said. Next question.

**Stefan**: But—

**Vampgirl7996**: NEXT question! Klaus and Elijah, you both fell in love with the original doppelganger, correct?

**Both**: Yes.

**Vampgirl7996**: What was she like?

**Elijah**: She was very kind…

**Klaus**: But feisty too…

**Elijah**: She was gentle…

**Klaus**: But sometimes cranky…

**Vampgirl7996**: So pretty much, she was a mix of Katherine and Elena?

**Elijah**: Yeah, guess you could say that.

**Vampgirl7996**: Interesting. Well, we've run out of time.

**Stefan**: (murmurs under breath) Thank goodness!

Vampgirl takes out her crossbow, loads it, and fires at Stefan. Arrow pierces his groin once again.

**Stefan**: OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!

**Vampgirl7996**: Thanks for reading! Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

(Lights are out. Everything is pitch-black.)

**Vampgirl7996: **Welcome back to the Vampire Diaries "Whatever" Show.

**Damon:** Great to be here.

**Elena:** I wonder what this chapter will bring.

**Stefan:** I'm wondering where the heck Vampgirl7996 is.

**Vampgirl7996:** I think the real question is: where are we?

**Stefan**: That…is actually a good question. Where are we?

(Lights turn on, revealing large living room that has a mid-1800's look to it. Damon, Elena, Stefan, and Vampgirl7996 are sitting in chairs in that order. Damon and Stefan stare around in shock.)

**Damon:** Is this…?

**Stefan:** It can't be…

**Vampgirl7996:** It is. Welcome home, Damon and Stefan.

**Elena:** Wait, you mean this is…

**Vampgirl7996:** Yep. This is the original Salvatore mansion.

**Elena:** I thought you told me it was burned down, Stefan.

**Stefan:** It was.

**Elena:** Then how…?

**Vampgirl7996:** Can we start the show already?

**Other 3:** Yes.

**Vampgirl7996:** Thank you. Now before we welcome our guest…

**Stefan:** There's a guest?

**Vampgirl7996:** Yes, we have a guest. Is that so hard to believe?

**Stefan:** A little bit, yeah.

(Vampgirl7996 gets out a crossbow and points it at Stefan.)

**Stefan:** I'm sorry! I take it back.

**Vampgirl7996:** Thank you. Now, as I was saying, before we welcome our guest, there is a question that one of the reviewers has to ask. This question is from MysstickQuill, and it is for Damon. Why are you always trying to steal your brother's girl?

**Damon:** I don't mean to!

**Stefan:** Well stop letting it happen.

**Damon:** Why don't you make me?

**Stefan:** Is that a challenge?

**Elena: **Damon…Stefan…

**Vampgirl7996:** Well this should be interesting. (Reaches under chair and retrieves a bowl of popcorn.)

**Elena:** You aren't even going to try to stop them?

**Vampgirl7996:** What would the point be in that? Boys will be boys and these boys want to fight. Besides, they're vampires. They won't get seriously hurt.

**Elena:** The last time they fought, they broke down three walls of their house.

**Vampgirl7996:** Look, we're going to a different place each time. If they break down this house, it's not my problem.

**Elena:** What about the audience's safety?

**Vampgirl7996: **_glares at Elena___Why do you always go and ruin my fun? Alright Stefan and Damon, no fighting.

(Stefan and Damon ignore Vampgirl7996. They stand up and get ready to fight.)

**Vampgirl7996:** Hello! No fighting, you guys!

(Stefan and Damon advance at each other.)

**Vampgirl7996:** Men! _Glares at them._

(Stefan and Damon fall to the ground, groaning in agony.)

**Vampgirl7996:** Get to your seats you two. We've got a show to run.

(Stefan and Damon grumble as they walk back to their seats.)

**Vampgirl7996:** Before we welcome our special guest, we must welcome two other people to the show. You've seen them before…give a warm welcome to Caroline and Klaus.

(Caroline and Klaus enter, waving to the crowd as the crowd cheers. Caroline sits in the chair next to Damon. Klaus sits next to Caroline.)

Vampgirl7996.)

**Vampgir7996:** Welcome back.

**Caroline:** Thank you.

**Klaus:** What she said.

**Vampgirl7996:** Lovely. Now, for our extra special guest. Please give a round of applause for Lostlover2012.

(Lostlover2012 enters, bouncing onto stage, beaming.)

**Lostlover2012:** Hi! _Sits in seat next to Vampgirl7996._

**Vampgirl7996:** So, in your review and message, you mentioned you had some questions and requests? You may start.

**Lostlover2012:** I'll start with my question. Klaus, why did you ask Tyler to bite Caroline, and then save her yourself?

**Vampgirl7996:** You know, I've been wondering that, too.

**Caroline:** I think we all have.

(Everyone stares at Klaus expectantly, waiting for him to answer.)

**Klaus:** Well, after he bit her, he came to me and begged me to save her. After all that, it made me curious, because I wanted to know why he cared for her so much. I understand now.

(Caroline blushes, looking down.)

**Vampgirl7996:** Aww! That's cute! Okay, Lostlover2012, continue on.

**Lostlover2012:** Okay! Elena, I dare you to give Damon a lap dance.

**Elena:** Wait, WHAT?

**Stefan:** She will not!

**Vampgirl7996:** My show, my rules, Stefan. What says, goes. Elena, chop-chop!

(Elena nervously stands and makes her way over to Damon, who is smirking.)

**Stefan:** Elena, don't. Please!

**Vampgirl7996:** Shut up, Stefan!

(Elena gives Damon lap dance, and walks back to her seat.

**Vampgirl7996:** Well, that was…interesting. Next request.

(Lostlover2012 smiles wickedly. The lights black out. Shuffling is heard and screaming fills the air.)

**Damon:** What's going on?

**Stefan:** HELP ME!

(The lights flip back on. The crowd and the guests onstage look and see Stefan in a glittering red mini dress, covered in sparkles and strapped to a chair. The ropes are steaming.)

**Elena:** Why are the ropes burning?

**Lostlover2012:** Vervain ropes.

**Damon:** _to Vampgirl7996_ You allow this?

**Vampgirl7996:**_ shrugs _Why do you think I call it "The Vampire Diaries 'Whatever' Show"? Whatever the reviewers ask for, they receive.

**Damon:** So if I—

**Vampgirl7996: **No.

**Damon:** But I—

**Vampgirl7996:** No.

**Damon:** Can I just—

**Vampgirl7996:** No!

**Damon:** Why?

**Vampgirl7996:** You are on the show. You can't review. Lostlover2012, continue on.

(Lostlover2012 picks up a sledgehammer from behind Stefan.

**Klaus: **A sledgehammer?

**Caroline:** How the heck did that sledgehammer get there?

**Vampgirl7996:** _Fidgets nervously._ Uh…no idea.

(Lostlover2012 swings hammer into Stefan's chest, knocking to the ground.)

**Stefan:** OWWWW!

(Lostlover2012 slams hammer into Stefan five more times.)

**Audience:** Oooooooo!

**Klaus:** That's got to hurt.

(Lostlover2012 picks up Stefan in chair, and cuts him free. Stefan groans as he stands up. Lostlover2012 walks over to Damon, and hands him some stakes.)

**Lostlover2012:** Attack Stefan with these.

**Damon:** Why? I need a reason first.

**Stefan:** HA!

(Lostlover2012 looks crestfallen)

**Vampgirl7996:** Elena, has Stefan done anything to Damon?

**Elena:** Well…he did burn Damon's favorite shirt.

**Stefan:** Elena!

**Elena:** What, you did!

(Lostlover2012 smiles mischievously.)

(Damon glares at Stefan with extreme fury.)

**Damon:** That was John Varvados, dude! _Raises stake dangerously. _Dick move! _Chases a screaming Stefan offstage._

(Audience cheers at famous line.)

**Vampgirl7996:** Well, that was fun. Another exciting episode of "The Vampire Diaries 'Whatever' Show."

(Stefan runs across stage, still in dress, screaming "HELP ME!" Damon chases after him.)

**Vampgirl7996:** Please review, and come back for the next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the lateness and all. I've been busy with school, an AP test, and my school musical. Hope you enjoy!**

(Lights are out)

**Vampgirl7996:** Welcome back, everyone, including our new daily guests Caroline and Klaus.

**Klaus:** What the hell is going on?

**Stefan:** Klaus?

**Caroline:** Stefan?

**Elena:** Caroline?

**Caroline:** Elena?

**Damon:** Damon!

**Vampgirl7996:** Really Damon?

**Damon:** What?

**Vampgirl7996:** Never mind.

**Caroline:** Where are we?

**Elena:** Ask Vampgirl7996. She knows.

(Lights come up. Reveals old church)

**Klaus:** What is this?

**Vampgirl7996:** It's Fell's Church

**Damon and Stefan:** WHAT!

**Elena:** I thought it burned down.

**Damon:** It did.

**Vampgirl7996:** Yes! Another burned down building! Let's start, shall we? Good! Okay, our first guest—

**Stefan:** First? As in more than one!

**Vampgirl7996:** Yes, we have more than one guest. Now build a bridge and get over it!

**Stefan:** _grumbles incoherently_

**Vampgirl7996:** What was that Stefan? _Grabs her crossbow_

**Stefan:** Nothing!

**Vampgirl7996: **Good!_ Puts crossbow down._ Okay, let's welcome our first guest, CallistoAngel.

(CallistoAngel comes onstage, waving. Sits in chair next to Vampgirl7996)

**CallistoAngel:** Thank you for having me on the show.

**Vampgirl7996:** Thanks for reviewing!

**CallistoAngel:** First of all, I'd like to say that I'm Team Damon.

**Damon:** POWNED!

**Stefan:** Why him?

**Vampgirl7996:** You're whiny, that's why. Now shut up! CallistoAngel, please continue.

**CallistoAngel: **_smiles mischeviously_

(Lights black out and shuffling is heard)

**Stefan: **What's going on?

**Elena:** !

**Damon, Stefan, Klaus, and Caroline:** Elena! What's happening?

(Lights come on. Elena is all beaten up, writhing on the ground)

**Damon:** Elena! _Goes to her and feeds her his blood_

**Stefan:** Why'd you do that?

**CallistoAngel:** She hurt Damon. She said that his love was the problem! Love is never the problem!

**Vampgirl7996:** True that! Thank you, CallistoAngel. If you would like to stay and watch, you can sit in the audience.

**CallistoAngel:** Thanks, I will. _Goes offstage and sits in front row seat._

(Damon and Elena go back to their seats)

**Vampgirl7996:** Well, time for our next guest. Please welcome, MysstikQuill.

(MysstikQuill walks onto stage, waving. Sits in chair nest to Vampgirl7996)

**MysstikQuill:** Thanks for having me.

**Vampgirl7996:** Thanks for coming. Now, you had some questions? Ask away.

**Stefan:** "Ask away?"

**Vampgirl7996:** Stefan, shut up! MysstikQuill, go ahead.

**MysstikQuill:** Firstly, Elena, why are you such a whiny bitch?

**Elena:** WHAT?

**MysstikQuill:** Why are you such a whiny bitch?

**Elena:** I'm not!

**Vampgirl7996:** No offense, but you can be. You whine about how Stefan and Damon did all this bad stuff to you and the people around you.

**Elena:** I—

**Vampgirl7996:** Elena, shut up.

**Elena:** Did you just—

**Vampgirl7996:** Shut up. Now. MysstikQuill, continue.

**MysstikQuill:** Uh, okay. Damon, why have you made it a hobby to kill Bonnie's family off?

**Damon:** I haven't killed her entire family.

**Vampgirl7996:** Abby? Sheila? You even almost killed Bonnie!

**Damon:** That's beside the point.

**Vampgirl7996:** Sure it is.

**MysstikQuill:** Anyway…Stefan, why are you so damn difficult?

**Stefan:** How am I difficult?

**Vampgirl7996:** I can name a thousand ways you are so difficult.

**Stefan:** Bite me.

**Vampgirl7996:** EW! No thank you! MysstikQuill, do what you requested.

(Lights black out, and shuffling is heard again)

**Elena:** WHAT THE HELL!

(Lights come back on)

**Damon:** Elena, what happened to your hair?

**Elena:** It's gone!

**Vampgirl7996:** Obviously!

**Stefan:** How?

**MysstikQuill:** I cut it off.

**Stefan:** Why?

**Vampgirl7996:** Back off of our guest, Stefan! MysstikQuill, you may go and sit in the audience if you would like.

(MysstikQuill nods, and goes down off the stage to the audience and sits down next to CallistoAngel in the first row)

**Vampgirl7996:** Now, let's all bring our hands together for our next guest, Lostlover2012.

(Lostlover2012 comes onstage, waves to the crowd, and sits next to Vampgirl7996)

**Lostlover2012:** Thanks for having me back. So first, Damon, how many people have you slept with?

**Damon:** Uh, well, let's see…one…three…seven…nine…thirteen…nineteen…twenty-two…

**Vampgirl7996:** Sometime today, Damon.

**Damon:** I lost count after 25.

**Klaus: **_coughs_ _"Manwhore!"_

**Vampgirl7996:** Hey, only my friend can call him that.

**Damon:** Why does she call me manwhore?

**Vampgirl7996:** She uses it as a term of endearment, in your case. So do I.

**Stefan:** Shows us the type you hang out with.

(Vampgirl7996 whips out her crossbow and shoots Stefan in the groin)

**Stefan:** OW! FUCK!

**Vampgirl7996:** Don't diss me or my friends. Do it again, and I'll aim higher.

(Stefan whimpers as he pulls out the arrow)

**Vampgirl7996:** Well, I'm afraid we've run out of time.

**Lostlover2012:** Awwww.

**Stefan:** HA!

**Vampgirl7996:** _Glares at Stefan. _So, since we ran out of time, Lostlover2012 will be our guest star next chapter, too. I think we might just have Lostlover2012 as our guest, tomorrow now that I think about it.

**Lostlover2012:** Yeah!

**Stefan:** NOOOOOO!

**Vampgirl7996:** STEFAN, SHUT UP!

(Stefan glares at her, but remains silent)

**Vampgirl7996:** Please review, and join us next time!

**If you review now, it'll appear in the fifth chapter (just a side note). Please Review!**


	4. Author's Note

Hey everyone!

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I have just been super busy. That, and I've had the worst case of writers block in the history of writers block. I've been writing only fiction and barely any fanfiction. I'm sorry about that. But now I'm back, and I'll try to update this as soon as possible. I'm working on the next chapter as we speak! Happy reading. I'll see you next chapter.

-Vampgirl7996


End file.
